Thoughts of the Past.

Wow I can't believe I haven't been on here since November of 2008.  Over a year and so much has happened.  Thomas came home from his deployment in February of 2009, only to have to leave on another deployment in June of 2009.  He didn't return home until the end of October.  We ended up pushing our wedding date back to May 2010.  Not just because of his deployment but because I got some major cold feet.  I just kept feeling that with all these other girls coming into our relationship and him always feeling like he has to be nice or save them from whatever they are going through, maybe he really wasn't the one.  As I have said all along I don't want to be divorced twice by the time I'm 25.  Now that we are past our 21st birthdays it seems we are maturing a lot more, okay maybe just me, lol.  I don't really feel the need to go out there and get drunk and act like an idiot.  He went out last month right after a terrible snow storm and almost didn't make it home.  He wrecked his car before he made it to the bar and I'm surprised he didn't wreck it on the way home.  My mom was waiting up for everyone to get home because she was worried about everyone getting home safely.  We live next door with grandma now.  My family wanted me to stay with grandma until my youngest brother turns 18 and can move in with her because she doesn't like to stay by herself.  This also gives Thomas the chance to pay off all his bills so that when we get married he only has a car payment, cell phone and car insurance to pay for.  Anyway he told me he was going to be home by midnight and have only one beer.  He lied he didn't make it home til almost 1:30 a.m. and he was so drunk I was surprised he was standing.  Mom got angry with him and told him how stupid it was of him to get drunk then try to drive home in that weather.  There were actually people that died that night because their car sled in the wrong lane and they weren't even drunk.  One of our friends drove home with him and was going to walk home from our house.  He lives at least 20 minutes  away when the roads are normal.  Not to mention one of mom's cousins died the following Monday because he tried to walk home in a storm and froze to death.  So she really let him have it for a couple of days.  I think she scared him sober.  Since then he has watched his drinking and doesn't seem all that interested in getting drunk.  She doesn't mind him drinking, just don't drink and drive.  We have plenty of family that will drive you home or pay for a cab if you have to take a cab. 

We have finally started major wedding plans.  We are getting married in our church and having a reception at a hotel so that we could have a dance.  Our religion doesn't allow dancing in the church.  The whole dance was for his mother's sake because she wanted to have a mother and son dance and now she isn't showing up.  We planned this for over a year, we even gave her the opportunity to change  the date if it was more convenient.  Thomas picked the date, I kind of wanted a June wedding but I guess he couldn't wait that long.  I'm just really disappointed that I planned so many things even got a great rate at the hotel for them to stay at and just yesterday she tells Thomas she isn't coming.  His uncle and aunt are coming and his biological dad may come.  If his mother didn't plan on coming I could have saved at least a thousand dollars and had a reception at church.  Oh well, I guess all my friends are looking forward to the dance they tell me.  I'm just looking forward to having this all done.  His mom wanted us to honeymoon in Florida around them.  We go there every year so I wanted to do something different.  Since it will be too warm to ski, I thought we would go to Vegas.  I know I really don't like to gamble but there is so much to do there.  I seen those hotel called the Stratosphere.  It has a restaurant at the top that spins.  It has 3 different thrill rides.  There are shows to go to.  I'm checking it all out.  We thought about going to the Bahamas but then we decided we wanted to save money for our furniture and he is even talking about wanting to buy a house instead of renting an apartment because all the deals that are going on for first time home buyers.  You know the funny thing, I'm not scared like I used to be when he starts talking about all these plans for our future.  In fact I can't wait to move forward.  Finally I think I'm ready.  I still have a little cold feet but after my first marriage I think I'm entitled to it. 

I haven't thought too much about my past lately.  I guess I've been all caught up in wedding plans and I'm still in college.  I'm not taking full time hours, for the past couple of semesters I've been going part time.  I guess I was getting a little burned out with working full time and going to school full time.  I was missing going out with friends.  Now Thomas is also taking classes again.  He said if he passes his cleft test for German the Air Force will pay him a few hundred dollars more a month.  How hard could it be for someone that was born and raised there?  I'm only worried that they will move us to Germany if they find out he can speak it.  I want to finish college first and maybe even have my kids before they move me away. 

I feel so free from the past.  I'm over being angry with what happened to me.  I no longer worry about the ex and what would become of him.  I no longer think about his family or the times I spent with him.  I love having someone who likes to spend time with me.  I remember after breaking up with Chris and thinking all guys must be that way and I would have to learn to live with their attitude and feeling that they really don't want you around.  I thought all guys must be liars, cheaters and at some point start treating you like you weren't there.  I'm glad I have someone that tells me he loves me constantly.  I'm glad I found someone that laughs with me and enjoys the things I like.  I'm glad that I have someone that lets me know I'm on his mind most of the day.  I enjoy hearing him say, I'm not going unless you go too.  Why am I suddenly thinking about my past after all this time?  Because on Valentine's Day my ex wrote me a message on my facebook.  I haven't heard from him in like two years.  Then out of the blue he writes that he heard I was engaged and just wanted to say congratulations.  Now really if a friend would have told me this I would feel great that they wanted to wish me well...but let's remember who this is.  This is the man who told me I was never going to amount to anything.  This is the man who almost on a daily basis hit me, pushed me around or insulted me.  This is the man that stole birthday money that my family sent me to help pay for college classes online and any other money they sent me and told me that we must of over drawn the account when in fact he had opened up another account with just his name and put the money in there.  This is the man who never let me keep very much money, would report my debit card missing whenever he thought I might use it, left me the car only if it was almost empty, never let me go out with friends but always went out to parties with other guys and even girls leaving me all alone in some strange state until the dawn of morning.  At the end this man would go out to eat and leave me at home with nothing to eat, telling me I was getting fat and he was doing me a favor.  This is the man that beat on the dog he got me for protection and even would hide him and tell me he was gone for good just so he could see me cry.  This is the man that compared me to all those slutty girls he was seeing and asked why I couldn't look more like them.  This is the man who called in January 2007 when I was visiting my family back home to tell me he wanted a divorce because he had been living the single life since I went home and he didn't want to go back to being a married man, while of course he had his slut laughing at me in the background while I cried.  So what did he expect me to say?  Thank you.  Did he actually want me to respond?  How could I respond?  No I don't have any ill feelings toward him anymore but I'm not going to jump in there and act like nothing happened.  I already told him please don't write me anymore the last time I received a message. I told him before that I wanted us to forget that the other one ever existed.  I let him have his divorce.  I didn't take all his money.  I didn't stalk him or his family.  I didn't call him and beg him to take me back.  When he offered to buy me a ticket to come see  him I didn't take advantage of it, I reminded him that this is what he wanted.  I didn't try to hurt him like he hurt me.  I never paraded any of my boyfriends in front of his face.  I calmly let him go.  It killed me to just let go.  I went to counseling, and the doctor even put me on xanax because I had a hard time dealing with it, I couldn't even look at him in court.  So why, when I only have 3 months before I get remarried does he do this to me.  I know he has known for some time already.  Last year one of his friends tried to friend me on MySpace, I of course declined but he would have seen my status that said engaged.  Back in November or December, I went to a comedy club and his sister was there.  I didn't recognize her at first.  The comedian was making a big deal about how smooth and glowing my fiance's skin was.  Then he saw my ring and asked when we were getting married.  So I'm sure his sister told him too.  Even though my grandmother wanted to put an announcement in the paper about the engagement or at least wedding photos, I told her no because I didn't want the ex's family seeing it.  I've done all I could to bury the past.  I don't want to hear from him or make a big deal if I ever see him.  I wish I would never have gotten married.  My skin crawls when I hear from him and I wonder at the back of my head what does he really want?  I feel like I have to apologize to Thomas when he does try and contact me.  I guess it reminds me that I made a big mistake once and it reminds me of how people look at me weird when they hear I've been married before.  I just want to get married to Thomas and feel like it is the only marriage I've ever been in.  I even cringe now when I think about those that may come to the wedding and make comments comparing this wedding to the last.  The only thing I've used from the last wedding is the pastor.  I want no reminders of the last wedding.  I hope on that day that all goes well and I feel so happy that nothing will spoil my day.

Life and love, my own roller coaster ride.

Wow I had the most awful feelings run though me in the last 48 hours.  This whole deployment has been like a roller coaster of feelings for Thomas.  At first when he had to leave, I think he thought it would be the end of us.  His going out with those guys and then all those girls trying to hook up with him while he was out with the guys almost did us in.  I wasn't going to fight for him, I figured it was my answer from God. I didn't want to go into another marriage and be hurt all over again.  So I figured what he was doing was a sign that I needed to move on, but each time I tried ending the relationship he was finding new ways to reel me back in.  He wanted to try so hard to work our problems out and I wanted to just be left alone.  His new so called friends wanted him to be single too, so he could take them all out and they could raise hell out on the town.  I was not going to be stuck in another relationship with a boy that couldn't decide if he wanted to be reckless and free or be with me.  Then all of a sudden he got deployed and he was scared to death it was the end of us.  Really I wasn't all that upset with him leaving this time either.  After what he had put me through the previous month I looked forward to a little space.  He packed his t-shirts and sleep pants in a bag for me to take home and sleep in at night.  He developed pictures of me and him together and gave me copies.  The night before he left he slipped his uniform into my house so he would have an excuse to come over if I did break up while he was gone.  He went as far as stealing my phone while I slept and took pictures of himself and even recorded a video of himself to remind me how much he loved me.  He has been calling me like crazy and writes even more letters than he did the last time.  All in an effort to show me he has changed and doesn't want the party life style.  He is even planning on us having a coed bachelor/bachelorette party.  He is planning most of the wedding and plans on taking my mother with him for help while I'm in classes or at work.  At first this was really annoying, but somewhere along the way I started feeling closer to him and decided I did want this to work between us.  Yes, I will admit I was hurt when I thought he cheated.  I was so angry with him I said I was through.  I wouldn't say it was jealousy, it was complete hurt and anger.  I felt I had been betrayed again.  It took his friends and his mother talking to me and reassuring me that these girls were lying before I would even let Thomas talk to me and tell me his side of what happened.  Maybe part of my going out with the girls to clubs was my way of getting even.  I wanted him to feel what it feels like when someone you love goes out, leaving you to wonder what they must be doing.  Unlike him though, I told him I was going out.  I told him where I was going and I even let him know what time I would be home.  Yeah, he called to check that I made it home, that I wasn't drunk and that I didn't hook up with any guys.  I got sick of it all and just started going to dinners and movies with the girls.  I love to dance but it's not as fun as it is when I'm with Thomas.  I found that I didn't like him being hurt and wondering what I'm out there doing.  I want him to know we are stable and I'm not out there looking for someone else.  I may still go out for my 21st birthday in 11 days, but I'm going with my safe crowd of friends if I do.  I've never really liked strangers touching me and saying stupid lines to try and hook up with me.  I don't like feeling like I'm being slimed by some pervert that can't keep his eyes off my breast or butt.  I really hate hearing, your so hot or your so gorgeous when the guy can't even tell you what color your eyes were because he wasn't even looking at your face.  I've come to really appreciate that Thomas loves everything about me.  He said it was my smile that first caught his eye.  Then when I was right up on him he couldn't believe how big my eyes were and how deep blue they were.  He talks about how my hair smells like candy, my skin is soft and flawless.  My feet are cute and my toes kissable.  Most importantly he thinks my thighs are sexy when I think they look fat.  He loves me with or without makeup, he can't really tell the difference.  He loves my sarcasm and my way of fighting for what I believe is right.  He loves me in anything I wear including my running sweats.  He wouldn't mind if I gained some weight and has seen me sick and swollen.  He has loved me best when I am happy but still wants me around when I'm pissed off at him.  He believes me above anyone else and trust me not to cheat on him.

So why the awful feelings.  His brother called me yesterday.  He wanted to check and confirm that Thomas was coming home around his 17th birthday.  Thomas's brother is autistic.  He calls me quite often and won't let me off the phone.  Thomas said his brother will say anything to keep me on the phone with him.  He asked if I was coming to Florida again.  I told him not this time.  I will have classes and work that I can't miss.  As we continue talking he tells me about how Thomas had 25 girls following him around the ice skating rink back home.  He told me Thomas loved chasing girls behinds, lol.  He told me, "You know he's going to keep doing it."  Basically the whole conversation was Thomas chases girls and is a big flirt.  In time Thomas would also cheat on me.  This is not a good thing to be telling a fiance, especially one that has been cheated on by an ex.  My insecurities came back up.  I know I told Thomas that he needed to go ahead and take this trip even though I couldn't go, but then all of a sudden I'm having second thoughts.  I'm also remembering his ex-girlfriends are back there.  A lot of what ifs started going through my mind.  I was ready to tell him I didn't want him to go, but then again I know I'm going to have to learn to trust him.  I received a call later that night from Thomas.  I confessed everything his brother and I talked about.  He went back into the reassure Karina mode.  Telling me how he has never cheated before.  Telling me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Next I guess he called the brother, probably to yell at him.  Then he calls me again and tells me, "Let's not even talk about the Florida trip until I come home."  He thinks he can some how talk me back into it again.  For now he just wants me to concentrate on an idea of a short trip to Kansas City.  He says there is a place he wants to stay at and a restaurant he wants me to try with him.  I guess I do feel a lot more for this guy then I wanted to believe I did.  I remember thinking that I would never remarry if anything would happen to my ex.  I thought he was my one true love and only chance at real love.  I think I'm finding out what real love is now.  I find myself going through all these struggles with him, but I still want to work them out instead of running all the time. He makes life very interesting and a little exciting.  Yes, he drives me nuts sometimes but I'm surprised he hasn't been committed himself with all that I have put him through.  He still likes to reminisce about our beginning.  It's funny how many times I tried to get him to go away just to be talked into sticking it out a little longer.  I actually tried to get him to go out with one of my friends.  Each time I tried to run he was calm and wanted to talk.  Wow and here we are today, getting ready to get married.  This is all scary for me and then again I can't wait to see were this all takes me.

This is the photo his mom sent me to remind me of the great time I spent with them last April.

Drama my middle name.

 I'm getting to the point in my life where I am thinking drama is my middle name, Karina Drama.  Maybe it's just going to be the title of the book I write in later years of my life when things finally get boring.  I don't even go looking for this crap it just always lands at my feet.  My friends used to think I was lucky, I used to find money on the street or people would be really nice and give me things all the time.  I even got a free tire once on a tire I didn't have a road hazard warranty on.  I brought the tire in and the guy asked if I had road hazard warranty, I said no and he said you do now.  Boy those were the good day.  My luck has worn out and I'm constantly running away from drama.  I don't like to be rude either but it's getting to the point in my life I guess I'm going to have to be because people won't take no for an answer. 

So currant drama.  I went to a club with a girlfriend.  It got late she had to take someone home so I was leaving too.  One of their guy friends that came with another girl decides he should walk me out.  Next thing I know he won't go away.  He even tried to pull me with him when he thought I would leave.  He tried climbing in my car and all.  He told me he was 25.  I finally got to leave when I got nasty with him and told him if he didn't leave me alone there was a cop near by.  So the next day I told my girlfriend what happened when I left.  She was pissed and called him and yelled at him.  I come to find out, that other girl wasn't his girlfriend.  I also find out that he isn't 25, he is 33.  Then this friend gave him my number so that he could call and apologize because he didn't know he was overstepping his boundaries with me.  I even informed him again that I am engaged.  So now this jerk won't stop calling me or texting me.  Thomas trying to be the good boyfriend and solve all my problems, personally I hate when he does this, orders us new phones with T-mobile, then calls me days later to tell me I have a new phone coming today and to cancel my old phone service.  I told him I have a two year contract that doesn't run out until May.  He tells me he will take care of the charges and just cancel it all.  I felt like this was a control issue where he could block any numbers he wanted to in the future and again he would take charge of it all for me.  He hates when my male classmates call me and I could see him blocking them all.  Nope not going to happen.  I explained to him again, I have already been in a controlling relationship and I won't let anyone control anything for me again.  So now I have these two phones that he has to cancel the service on before I can return the phones.  That was a huge battle on it's own. I should have just refused delivery.  So then again I get more flowers and huge apologies from Thomas.  That makes three flower deliveries this month.  So again I get mad at him.  Do you know how much it cost to send those huge flowers?  He has a wedding he is paying for so he needs to be saving that money.  Besides he has a truck payment too.  I love Thomas but I don't tell him my drama to have him solve my problems for me.  I like to vent and get it off my chest.  I can solve things on my own.  He always whips into action and thinks he can solve everything for me. 

Second drama.  Some guy decides he wants to be my friend on Facebook.  I don't know the guy, so like usual I do the little scan of his friends to make sure he is not associated with any undesirable from my past or those girls that tried causing trouble for Thomas and I in September, isn't that sad I have to do that.  So I add him and the next thing I know he sends me a message.  It said, "I bought an Ipod at a pawn shop that had some risky shots of you on them."  Come to find out he found me because one of the pictures said Karina, and then one picture was my profile picture.  They weren't real risky thank goodness, just a little flirty for Thomas.  The guys was nice and said he deleted them for me.  So after finding out what I was wearing in these pictures and what music was on the ipod, it verified that it was Thomas's ipod.  No one else would have that kind of music on their ipod.  The other name he found on the ipod was Thomas's suite mate at the barracks.  So I guess he stole the ipod and pawned it off.  We would have never found out if that guy didn't contact us.  He even said I could buy it back if I want.  I was going to buy Thomas a new phone for Christmas, but I may be buying him a new ipod or his old ipod back instead.  We will see.

So anyway Thomas gets to come home early because of the accident he was in.  He should be coming home around the 15th of December which means we will get to spend Christmas together after all.  He misses my 21st birthday but he said he will make it up to me the first weekend he gets home.  Now the only real big problem I am having is he thinks we should get married in 5 weeks instead of September.  That would be a week after he gets home.  I told him don't push your luck, your lucky I let you push it up a year.  The boy thinks the drama would end if we were married.  I think he is just a bad luck charm.  Maybe all boys are just bad luck.  I never had any real drama or bad luck until I started getting serious about boys. Well I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.  Remember to count your blessings.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for. 

Me in my Halloween costume.

 Hoang and I after a fun packed evening.

If you notice the makeup on my face, this is the guy who was wearing it.

Hoang and I on a girls night out.

Me another evening before going out.

Take my drama away.

Do you ever get to the point of just wishing that maybe you were single?  Don't get me wrong, I love Thomas.  I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  It's just I think I'm really scared to walk down that path again.  I keep questioning everything and wondering if this is  the right thing or not.  He wanted to get married in 2008, somewhere around our one year mark.  I finally told him no, I can't do that.  So then we said September 2009.  As September 2008 came around I felt like he was rushing me and I pushed the date back to June 2010.  He is worried that I will just keep pushing the date back again and again.  There has been great debate from everyone whether I should just get married to him or go on waiting.  Most people tell me he is so genuine and everyone can tell he cares for me deeply.  When we go anywhere he rarely leaves my side.  That is a plus because the ex always left me.  I remember one time we went swimming at Myrtle Beach and he left me to go swimming way out deep and when I tried to swim back to the shore because quit frankly I was tired of being ignored on what was supposed to be our extended honeymoon, I almost drowned because I got caught up in water currant going back out to the ocean.  I was so tired by the time I finally made it back to the shore.  It was always that way he would go off by himself or take off with friends and we were only married 7 1/2 months.  He never did this before we got married.  So I find myself looking at Thomas and seeing that he seems very attached and is very emotional.  He is constantly kissing on me and holding me.  When I am with him and fall asleep he holds me the whole time.  But the ex did all this too.  That was until I said I do. After that it was a life of lies, porno, parties, infidelity, emotional abuse and even physical abuse. So will it happen again the same way.  Do guys just take you for granted after they have you? Let's not forget the message that he received the day that he left on his myspace.  He quickly found out that the girls that came out with him and his friends were not the other guys' girlfriends.  They were wives and girlfriends of other air force guys.  Some were just single girls looking for a good time.  So why didn't he just leave?  Why did he continue to go out with that group later on?  He had some married woman texting him and asking if he knew if her husband was cheating on her, when she herself had cheated 3 times.  I finally put my foot down and told him apparently he didn't want to hang out with me which was fine and dandy, but I was not going to sit and wait for him.  Don't be surprised if I find someone else that wants to be with me since he obviously didn't.  Sorry I just refuse to run after a guy.  Well he came running back and started telling me that he was told by them that I was crazy, selfish, and he could do better than me.  He was taking advice from them about how to get his girlfriend in line.  I pointed out that all those guys were single, and all the chicks if they weren't single they were in fact cheating or had cheated on their significant other.  I told him I already dealt with this same type of military crowd when I was married before and I refuse to be around it again.  This is why I never wanted to date someone in the military again.  Do you know how much cheating goes on in the military?  So he cried about it and said it would never happen again.  I told him the next time I ever heard about him taking advice for one of those people I would break up for good and tell them directly that they can deal with his crap and crying if they want to keep him so bad.  I swear military drama is the worst drama out there.  I found out the worst single girl wasn't even in the military, she was a cousin to one of the military wives but she likes to travel all over staying with family that lives by military basis so that she can fool around with all of them.  Doesn't matter what branch she loves them all.  She had pictures of Thomas on her site and little comments calling him hot stuff.  As for the married woman texting him I told him that it isn't his place to be in their marriage and they need to work out their problems.  I think she was just looking for her next cheating victim.  The one who sent him the message on myspace was in fact also married.  He said he could tell now that they were all lying to him. 

As I said before I think it was God that pulled him out of here so fast to pull us out of all that drama.  Most of those girls are gone now.  The guys have been moved all around.  Thomas' other friends that we hung with came back to town.  I now sit here and try to figure out, "Do I really want to do this?"  He now finds himself in the same situation I was in when all those girls were calling and texting him.  True he was ignoring all of them, but that didn't help my trust meter rise either.  So he got this bright idea, "Can't we just get married the weekend after I come home?"  He figures that way we will be together almost all the time and I can see for myself that he does love me and wants to spend every waking moment with me.  Yeah, kind of made me want to throw up too.  Sometimes he can be a little too mushy for me.  I'm like the guy in this relationship.  I hate PDA, I'm not throwing emotional crap out all over the place.  So I told him no I can't get married that soon.  So than he plans on June 2009.  I told him no the soonest I would ever consider is September 2009.  So he starts actually planning everything while he is out there.  He's looking at tuxes, cakes, flowers you name it.  I told him hold on I said that is the soonest, I need to see if things have really changed when he gets home in January before I commit.  I don't think the answer to all our relationship problems is to rush right in and get married.  When I said something to him about feeling nervous about him moving up the date, he said, "no, we moved the date up, I would never make that decision on my own."  Really he did though.  I move slow and cautious and he just wants to run me down that aisle.  Maybe I'm just fearing what I went through before and will keep pushing the date back for years.  Right now I have a lot of guys constantly asking me out too.  Yes, I'm telling them I have someone, but they seem to come around when Thomas calls.  So he is constantly asking me who is that, who are you going out with tonight, what are your plans for the weekend.  He is calling all the time, today alone I have been called 4 times starting at 4 a.m.  I tell the guy everything I'm doing and who I'm doing it with.  Yeah, when he hears other guys are around he gets all upset but I told him, "You know I really love you and I want to be completely honest with you.  I won't hide things and I want you to be secure in our relationship.  I wasn't going to tell you about other guys trying to come around but then I thought that would be as deceitful as you were to me.  So I'm going to tell you everything not to make you think you can be replaced at anytime but to let you know I am going to be totally honest with you."  So I continue to go to work, go to school and try and not concentrate on the things that happened before he left.  I would like to say the book is closed on it but really it's only on hold and waiting to be worked out completely when he comes home.  Then we will see if I can actually walk down that aisle in September 2009.  I know that rushing me is not going to make me forget the feelings of hurt and betrayal.  No matter how many times he says he is sorry and it will never happen again, doesn't make my trust level rise.  I have to see change to actually believe.  As much as I wish the drama of those weekends would go away, the truth is they hold on to me.  Just like when my ex told me he already cheated, I held on to them and couldn't work past it.  Not without the real commitment to change.  I really hate all this drama in my life right now and that is why I sometimes feel I would be better off single.  I want to have a happy healthy marriage.  I wish I could feel carefree like I did when I entered into marriage the first time.  I remember how I was so in love, and wanted to be with him forever.  I believed every word he told me, I believed he would always be there for me.  Now I think I would throw up if he came anywhere near me, I would run for the exit if I ever heard his voice again. I want to believe that this marriage will last forever.  I wish I had those strong and confident feelings about Thomas. But since I was lied to and cheated on by the first, I still keep a wall up. Even though most layers have come down there is still the wall of self doubt and insecurity.  This is when I wonder if I shouldn't just bite the bullet, take the plunge and hope that once I'm there it will all be alright.  It's pretty risky but maybe he is worth it.

Thomas had to leave again....

  Well I guess it's been awhile and a lot has been going on.  Thomas had  to leave on another deployment.  He wasn't supposed to leave until late February but some guy had to come home early because his wife had a medical emergency.  So he was given less than 2 weeks to get ready for this deployment.  He was hoping to have a Thanksgiving and Christmas home because he has been out for the last two years.  We planned on going to Florida for Christmas.  Well his mom asked if I would come out for Thanksgiving anyway.  I love her, she said to see her as another mother. She even looks a lot like me, we got mistaken for mother and daughter while we where in Florida this summer.  My mom is like what?  Another mother, how many does this make for you?  My great grandmother lives next door and was like another mom  to us.  Then a lot of my friends' mothers like me to think of them as another mother.  Then you have my aunts and other grandmothers.  I'll tell you advice is never too far away.  Everyone loves to give it out.  Anyway Thomas said he would be home early January.  He asked if we could use my mom's kitchen and make a Christmas dinner together when he gets home and wants her to keep the Christmas tree up too. 

His deployment didn't get started off very well.  First I had my wisdom teeth removed before he left.  He wanted to make sure he was here to help me recover.  Mom had me stay at her house so she could watch over me when he was getting his pre-deployment crap done.  I was sore and not much fun his last days here.  Then his myspace was shut down, he thinks someone must have sent him some nasty photo or something.  His last couple of months here he got some new friends that weren't friends at all.  The guys were constantly wanting him to go bar hopping with him and even told him it was okay to cheat on me, they would never tell.  He told me everything they said.  Then there was a few girls that were telling him I was selfish because I wouldn't move in with him before marriage.  They were sending him text messages telling him that they had a dorm meeting or something to attend and he would show up and they just wanted to go out.  When we were together the guys would follow us and try anything to get him to go out with him.  They just couldn't understand that the weekend was the only time we really got to spend quality time together.  With my work and full time school schedule we only get a few hours during the week days.  Then Friday night to Sunday night we like to stay with each other.  I don't mind him having guy time and he doesn't mind me having girl time, but most times we like to spend together.  Anyway he created a new myspace and the day he left I was uploading pictures that he had on his old myspace.  A message came across from one of the girls.  Basically she wrote about how hurt she was, she said good luck with your relationship with her, and I guess I lost again.  I was mad!!!  Remember my ex lied and cheated and it's just a real sensitive subject with me. If you want to be with me you have to show I can trust you and you won't cheat.  Because of the lies about dorm meetings my trust level isn't at the highest level with him.  So I planned on breaking up and changed my status to single on Myspace and Facebook.  When he finally called I told him about the message.  He said he would call right back.  He checked it all out and said he never really talked to that girl.  She was married to one of the guys that went to the Hookah bar with them.  Her best friend was the one that thought he was hot.  I've had problems with other Air Force girls and their girlfriends coming on to him so this is nothing new.  These girls seem to just want to cause problems and thought with him going out of town there would be nothing he could do about it.  This was the eye opener he needed to see that once you lie, it's easy to loose my trust in all matters.  He apologized for what lead up to my loosing trust in him and said when he comes back everything would be more open and honest, no secrets at all.  He got to listening to a bunch of single guys and now he knows why they are all single.  Thomas has the same problem I do.  Sometimes friends take you out as bait to attract the opposite sex.  What they don't realize is that we are happy in our currant relationship and don't feel comfortable when people hit on us.  So before I got around to changing my status back I got 3 new guys on my myspace asking me out, and a couple on facebook.  At the party one of the guys on my facebook told all the guys I was single.  Mario told everyone I was engaged but the other guy told them I just broke up. He was even calling me before the party telling me he would take me, I told him no thanks. So even after I told them all I was still with Thomas they didn't believe me.  They thought I was just playing hard to get.  I gave my number to one of the girls there because she wanted to hang out sometime, next thing I know 3 of the guys at the party are texting me.  One guy acting like the good guy trying to keep the others off me, but by the end of the evening he became a big problem too. He jumped into my car when I tried to leave and I didn't end up getting home until 4 a.m.  I still have them texting me.  I tried being nice but now I'm getting a little angry.  I even tried telling them things at the party to make it sound like I was psycho or something and they still wouldn't go away.  The winner of the night came in and said he wanted me to play strip bongo with him, then later he asked if he could just see my breast.  Finally he figured to try the, "I'm really a great guy just go out on a date with me and see."  Yeah right.  One guy on Myspace was bugging me all week trying to figure how he could meet up with me.  I told him I was still with Thomas but he figured with Thomas out of town, I needed someone to keep me company.  The guy is 27, give me a break.  I got invited to more Halloween parties and parties coming up this weekend, but is this just an opportunity for them to try and come on to me more.  They took my camera away and went through it hoping to find naked photos of me.  They only found a few bikini shots and most of my pictures were of Thomas.  Someone did something to my camera so now all my pictures look red.  Then someone went through my purse at the party and cleaned it out of whatever papers I had in it.  Yes, I was sober the whole time.  The doctors told me no alcohol, it would go in my system faster through my stitches and cause damage.  So I guess I will go to the parties this weekend but I have already asked one of new college friends to go with me.  She is single and she doesn't mind the attention.  Mario said it's never a dull moment when I'm around.  Thanks Mario, but I think your girlfriend was getting hit on also.  He told me he would work with me on get lost lines.  He also said for my 21st birthday I should just have an all girl party and he would be the only guy there.  Hoang still wants to do the clubbing thing.  I think I will see about a lot of girls going with me.  There was talk about Club Liquid because my friends that haven't turned 21 yet can get in there, but that is the sleazy place where these guys were grabbing on me even though Thomas was right there.  How bad will it be without him.Yep, sure do miss Thomas.  I miss getting to go out and relax without having to worry about guys hitting on you.  Girls night doesn't mean, let's see how many guys we can bag.  After all the crap got settled between us, Thomas tried to talk me into getting married the week after he gets back.  I said that's a big NO.  I did set a date though in 2010.  I think he plans on working on changing my mind.  He said he wants his bonus money from his deployment to pay for our wedding.  He doesn't want my parents paying for it.  Mom still wants to pay for the caterer and maybe the photographer.  She wants to make sure the food isn't crappy this time.  I still want to have a small wedding but his Air Force friends all keep asking if they can come.  So the list keeps growing.  God when will life slow down.

My brother was home for a short time.  He is now a Marine.  Everyone said he would calm down and be more mature.  NOPE, didn't happen.  He was running all over town the week he was home and we barely seen him.  When we did, he was hyper as ever and trying to pin everyone.  Other Marines were telling stories about things he did in boot camp.  He really loved it.  He got to be an artist recruit so the drill instructors put him to work drawing all kinds of things for them like poster, pamplets and locker art. He may get to come home for a month while he waits  for his Aviation Mech training to begin.  Then again he may just get stuck in California a little longer.  He is supposed to be stationed in Florida so I hope when Thomas and I go home for a visit we get to see him.

Well not much more going on, isn't that enough though.  I have to go shopping for my costume.  I seen a new costume shop in the mall.  I told daddy he gets to go with me to pick this costume.  He just rolled his eyes, he didn't like last years costume either.  I stayed with them while I was healing from getting my wisdom teeth removed.  He complained about me walking around the house half naked all the time or just a towel.  He said he seen enough of my butt when I was younger and he had to clean it.  I love torturing him.  It was nice being home with my brothers there.  I don't think that will happen very often in the future.  Only Michael is there now and not very often.  He now has a job and I gave him my old Saturn, so he is gone all the time.  Watch out for him on the road though.  He will soon be driving his 72 Mustang fastback.  You can bet he'll be speeding around in it.  I'll leave you with photos.

Billy is the fourth from the left in the front row.

  Billy and new Marine buddies.

Dad and little brothers at the San Diego Zoo.

Can you see the gold flecks in the sand on the beach.

Picture of Houston a few days after Ike.

Caught at the party.

The guy in the yellow was my supposed good guy.  I think that was me he was texting again.

Yeah this is one of the red pics I told you about.  Looks like crap.  Red was never my best color, lol.

Jungle Juice were did it all go, it was full.

Ice skating with Thomas, he's better because he used to play hockey.

He's trying to help the swelling go down.  It really hurt.

He said he loves me and I'm never ugly.

  Looking a little better.

Late night jog.

Gosh it got cold.

Toby the sock thief and you thought you lost it in the dryer.

His eyes look wicked here, he's not giving up the sock either.  He's so spoiled.